In between

Tonight I realized that everything I didn't like about Jo was due to her youth. That last scene you could see the woman she was going to be and the hunter she was. I loved and hated this episode. Hated it because it made me cry and loved it because it felt real.

War is messy and ugly and it is women and children first. I respect SPN for not shying away from that. TV often makes things too clean...

Great props to Alona Tal and Samantha Ferris they were amazing.

Whatever we say about women on TV as characters how can we not respect that they went out as hunters and on they’re own terms. I love that they weren't victims but soldiers and damn I respect that.

Lucifer is looking bad it's like he is becoming a zombie with his body falling apart how ironic would it be if he gets stuck in it. And he kind of seems desperate which you now should be beneath him. But weird that he doesn't see the difference Dean never turned away from his brother and that may be foreshadowing of how they fix this mess.

All in all one hell of an episode. Win for team Lu, the Winchesters have a lot to catch up to.

"And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve.........."

"if I only could make a deal with God and get him to swap our places.......be running up that road, be running up that hill"

Sometimes I feel so restless it's like my body can barely hold my soul inside it. It 's like a part of my just wants to climb out and just lay waste to everything. Then I realize I should just have a cigarette take a deep breath and realize this semester will end sooner than later.

I am toasted!. am supposed to being  celebrating the new year. But Have always been a terrible witch. I sucked at christianity and can't be bothered to do the rituals at the major pagan holidays. what is a girl to do? Still  should have celebrated the harvest as exams are over .... Please goddess let me have passed my comps. I need them to graduate.  So on this high holiday i Hope that you are all enjoying the end of the year. and that the next year is full of blessings. I have a feeling that the coming year will be harsh and dark. Death is i feel around the corner hate to be dark but there are hard days ahead. hey I forecasted it first. The great and powerful Oz is useless so glad I didn’t vote for him.

So I have 6 days to prepare for comps. Part of me is screaming like a little girl why aren't you studying and why are you on livejournal instead of with your head in a book. and the other part is thinking how much stuff can i really stuff in my head. anyway it will all be over soon.

Ok that didn't work why couldn't I just paste the link in? Oh well it turned out that I was Bela. A litle horrifying but I am quite good at taking care of myself. I'm not sure that is a bad thing. I care about the people in my life but if you can't take care of yourself how can you help anyone else...all this from a supernatural quiz : )

So I thought that the episode was kind of weird…was it the pacing I’m not sure. And seriously the tooth fairy bit very grueusome. But it fit very nicely into what I have thought about Castiel these last couple of weeks.

And by Cas I mean canon Castiel not fandom Castiel which seems to reside on another planet. In fandom Cas we have one side that thinks he is maybe Ruby 2.0/evil and on the other is the weird need to humanize him and set up house with dean. (this statement is a broad overgeneralization and should not be taken with anything other than humor)

 

I in my absolute authority to declare nothing would like to just talk about canon. Castiel is a self-righteous douchebag. And I love it. He is exactly what he said - he is an angel of the lord. I would make the case that being self-righteous is a character trait for all angels his seems to have gotten worse as this season has progressed.

 

Castiel is a soldier and soldiers have to make hard decisions. And I know by the whobby face he didn’t want to do it but it’s not subtext half demon or not he was going to do that kid in. I feel like we were robbed by that scene - what if he has managed to kill the kid, what if Dean and Sam had managed to get there in time. I want those conversations and I felt cheated by the action figure conclusion.  I would put money on that angelCas is going to be conflict with his allies repeately during this season.

I wonder if he managed to kill Jessie if there would be cries of they ruined our character. Well we’ll never know but I would state that I think he was true to his nature. So some things to remember:

 

1. Castiel is NOT human and doesn’t share our morality
2. He hasn’t fallen and broken with God he broke with other angels
3. I would not assume that his side is the same side as humanity
4. He isn’t evil and really kind of rocks the BAMF soldier of god angle
5. For the love of God please, please stop turning him into the fluffy bunny human version

This is over course my opinion if you disagree not a problem but be nice.

Ok that post might have been a little premature on the quality of dean and castiel fic. I still keep trying and found a brillant take on them both by

http://infernallysly.livejournal.com/9445.html.

I swear it's not beause it's unrequited and I don't think it really is it's just she nailed the fact that Castiel isn't human. His alienness just shines through here. and I thought that the author did a brillant job in keeping both dean and castiel in character. I hadn't thought of dean in that light but man she nailed it! Umm hope that the author is a she I am guessing as I haven't stalked the journal. anyway I hope more is written the author has so many intresting perspectives regarding this creature. It makes me think about angels in a whole nother light.

After reading way to much reactions/meta regarding the last episode there really is only one thing to say.

Dean loves Sam and Sam loves Dean.

WHY would you choose one over the other when you can love them both. It's just weird double your pleasure double your fun. That way when the switch off being an ass which they do you can still be happy. 

I have discovered that canon Castiel is much better than fandom Castiel and I think I'm warming up to him which I thought would only happen on a cold day in hell. I think it's the fandom that makes me hate and wish him a firery death. So I'm avoiding that portion of said fandom. Although I did try again and read D/C Fic. It's just so OOC and fanfiction.net quality. I never recognize show Castiel in fic except maybe future Castiel but if that 's what makes him OOC losing his grace and being bitter I'm not sure it makes for the kind of relationship that is being protrayed in fic. but that's why you have fic to fix the things you don't like I just wish I could find some better D/C fic maybe I would calm down if I could see where the author was coming from....

So I like reading reviews of episodes because I often find that someone else's opinion makes me think of stuff in different ways. Recently people have been tagging their reviews with pos or neg. Which is fine I like both. I want to know what people like and what people don't. However I really would like people to start tagging with I'm a Dean/Castiel shipper because your interpretation of the show pisses me off. And I don't know why. I've never been in a fandom where i cared. The whole point of fandom is to fix things you don't like. So why should I care if people want D/C. My philosophy is to ignore that fic and be happy in my little incestous bubble.

But I guess what I don't like about it is that some not all of the worldviews of D/C shippers is the way they COMPLETELY ignore Sam and Dean. Even if you hate SamandDean it's still about the brothers. It will always come back to the winchester brothers. How can we like the same show and you don't like the brothers? I don't understand and I wish you would just flag your stuff so I can kind of jump over your happiness at the moment of the big Sam and Dean breakup.

I promise not to be to happy when they come back together. Don't worry you'll always have fic. I'll be happy over here with my Motherfucking canon (because Dean will always love Sam best)

ps why does this stuff bring out the kindergardner in me??? I just don't know what's wrong with me.

So after 16 weels I realize that I barely have time to breath much less keep a journal or start up a community. I keep thinking life will get easier once school is done but that's not likely.

I many be off to India this spring to do some work on some of the endemic diseases!! I hope it will be dengue and NOT leprosy. I know that it shouldn't matter but there is just something about limbs that fall off that seriously creeps me out!

SPN is back which is great. I kind of fell out of love with them over the summer with Merlin and Star Trek fic being so amazing. I guess i'm lucky that the ST fandom OP is Kirk/McCoy which I don't read or I would be even crazier in love with lo another fandom. But now that i'm watching SPN again i realize there is only one true pairing Sam and Dean and I better get my boys back together this season. Last season was almost to dark and depressing.

My family has always served in the armed forces. My brother and my sister in law both just finished their army service. I hope that on this day everyone takes a moment in between our bbqs and beer to think about those who put their life on the line for something they believe in. They matter and I am constantly humbled in the face of their sacrifice. So on this day I remember.

I know the last thing we need is another SPN community. But I couldn't really find one that fit.
So I made one up : )

I do wish there was a way to keep the intro post up but you can't do that on a community?? Weird

We are in for more rain so I thought about putting together my favorite rainy Sunday fics.

The Supernatural fics are not new but so worth a second, third, fourth read.

 

 

 Supernatural: Sam/Dean

 

 Down Darker and Darker Stairs by Rei

 

Rei is one of those authors were on one hand you know this person could so make a living as an author her fic is just that amazing and on the other you want to be selfish, lock her in your basement and make her write Sam and Dean forever. DDDS is my favorite out of her 5D series. Emotionally it just hits all the right notes and it's less angsty than the others perfect for a Sunday.

 

Turn of the Wheel by: Gekizetsu  

 

This is an epic series there is so much to love - wingfic, elementals, solstices and a SamandDean whose relationship is the heart of everything and the writing is smart. There are currently 10 stories making it a long and very satisfying read. It isn’t done yet but only the conclusion is missing I wouldn’t let that deter you from starting this series.

 

 

Star Trek - Spock/Kirk

 

We Learn Each Other Slowly by Raphaela667

 

This was the story I wanted to read after seeing the movie. I fell back in love with this pairing but I love her Kirk. She writes a man that is so out of his depth but as always he comes through. Not enough words to describe how much I loved this fic.

 

 

What I should be doing - Biostats what am I doing musing on the true nature of Angels. I really should stop thinking and do school work. But this is so much more fun. How will I entertain myself until September.....thank god for fics!!!

People should read whatever makes them happy. This is just a thought experiment and really I'm projecting my emotional hang-ups onto a pairing. This is a reflection of me and not anyone else.

Castiel… I have been kind of apathetic towards him as I found him boring and an emotional black hole.  For most of the season I could not get a read on him. It wasn’t until the finale that I wondered if he threw in with Dean because at the heart of it he wants a purpose someone to follow because isn't that what Angels do have missions and specific purposes? Humans are reflections of God so we are in a weird way the closest thing he can get to.

Does Castiel really have a relationship with Dean or is he just a purpose a mission something he was designed by God to care about. And if that is the case why don't the Arc Angels have the same purpose? Maybe it's because they were created with a different objective and now they are just making it up as they go along.  I wonder if Castiel was created after the creation of humans. That would make him a different kind of Angel.  It just a theory of why Castiel is having a different reaction than the Arc Angels who see humans they way I see ants.  Maybe the Angels that came after have a much more concrete built in connection God learned his/her lesson after Lucifier.  I kind of think of Cas as running on his 'programming' of course this could be all bunk because who knows when Castiel was created.

So back to the pairing I like the idea that someone can balance us out. I'm not sure that Castiel is capable of doing that for anyone.  How can he when ultimately he is an Angel of God (Capital letters because it's not just a title it's the center of everything he is) even off the reservation he is an Angel.

He is an idea but does he really have a sense of self. If you asked him who he was it would be an Angel of the Lord. I’m not sure he can change that idea without losing what makes him an angel. And making him mortal makes him way to childlike which is kind of squick of mine in pairings.  So the idea of a relationship with something that has no emotional touchstone of their own does nothing for me whereas Dean I think has much more emotional depth than gets credit for. 

I think it's too easy to see Castiel as human because he's not and never will be. I can never get past what he is. In my mind there is no way to have a emotional connection that would be healthy or real for both sides.
 

This is just some random musings. Any religious discussion here is soley related to the Supernatural universe.
 

So I have to say that I was dreading this episode and was so relieved with the way it turned out.

 

My speculation not a spoiler is the reason that it had to be Sam was because of Dean. It seemed like both the angels and demons were setting up the whole Cain and Abel story. Favored son of God sacrificed by his brother committing the first murder. The darkest sin a human can commit (which is up for debate) I think it's the first true sin moreso than eating that stupid fruit.  It would be the end of the circle if this time Abel killed Cain unraveling the story.

 

Where it gets sticky is Cain was driven by jealousy and rivalry.  I think ultimately Sam was driven by fear. Fear of loss fear of being alone, fear, fear fear. You get the picture. Sam isn't Cain and Dean isn't Abel so it was never going to work out they way they major players wanted it to.  The more I think about it the more I realize that neither Angels nor Demons really understand humans.  I know that demons that were once human are ironically better at but the higher ups. No clue. That's important neither high level angels nor demons have souls.

They are ideas great beautiful terrifying ideas with purposes but it seems like there is an emptiness to them. It's sad in this world that the lack of a purpose from God has led them so off the reservation. Humans with no powers and so quick to be led by base desires are still the more complex species. And personally the more interesting species.

It seems like both the demons and angels are just actors in a play. And it's not even a play they wrote….someone else wrote it and they dusted if off and have decided to restage it. It must drive them crazy having to involve humans because of our nasty habit of going off script otherwise known as "free will" .

Anyway I think that neither the Angels nor the Demons are at all prepared for what SamandDean will throw at them. Lucifer or any of the others will really never see them coming.

So just my epi final is tomorrow and this semester will be done. I can't believe I worked my ass off for Immunology and I might worse case scenario bring home a C . why oh why did I say that HIV infectes hepatocyes? I mean it infects everything else. shit I always over think these things. what happened to being an overchiever?? well I could have pulled it off I have no idea how the final actually went and I did have that B going into it. the worst is summer classes start in 11 days. not enough time to recharge and i"m stuck with Biostats, Enviorn. health, Infectious Disease program design and Infectious disease control in developing country. oh joy. i really need to get a life outside of school.

Immunology final today - why am I trolling through livejournal instead of trying to memorize 36 pages of notes?? OH right it's because I hate this class with a vengence.
Please god let me hold on to my B. Ok I'm going I'm stepping away from the computer. after this one I will only have Epidemiiology of which have i even started (am laughing hysterically as I type this) school sucks. why am i doing this again???

I like my fandom seperate from my show. The two should never meet!! One of the reasons I  never go to cons Fandom is about taking canon in sometimes more intresting directions. I don't need nor want my show to acknowledge my fandom. It's private although with some of the things that come out of the Cons I guess we dont' get to have any privacy. Sometimes I hate fangirls....YES I blame you wacko's for bringing up wincest in public...why?
I don't understand some people's need to share. it ruins it all for all of us.
blah I'm not mad at show I'm mad at the small  minority of crazy fangirls  - I think some of you are  NUTS truly certifable...

How does one know they are over invested in a TV show/actors? having skulked around the Supernatural fandom for a number of years I have always prided myself on the knowledge of what is real and what is not. However indulging in my love of celebrity gossip I read the blind vice item in the Awful Truth called Judas Jack-off and my heart just sunk. Other than Ted mentioning gossip rags it seemed like a true fit for one of the J's. It literally made me ill and the sad thing is I don't know these people. there actors and their private lives should remain private. but I think I've been wearing my tin hat to much and the idea of the J's splitting up just made me so sad.

Anyway this week in bitch-back Ted says that Judas has the same body type as Milo (heros).

And it just made everything so much better because no one is going to mistake Milo for Jared i mean no one.

what have I learned from this episode. Stop reading gossip and I might need a new hobby outside of Supernatural.